The Anally Challenged

So….Anal sex.  Yeah, I was never really interested.  It looked painful. And kind of dirty.   Not in a “ooh that’s too naughty” sort of dirty but more of a “that’s not very hygienic” sort of dirty.  But after 10 years of turning around and exclaiming, “Hey! Wrong hole, buddy!” I decided that I was ready to take on a little anal action.

Why the change?  What made me think, “Hmm, a cock in EITHER hole might be really hot,”?  Erotica.  The written word is a beautiful thing, isn’t it?  Something that sounded painful to my uneducated mind for all of these years all of a sudden became desirable and sexy.  My husband thanks erotica everyday for my constantly growing desires in the bedroom.

But it wasn’t as simple as jumping right in.  How could it be?  I KNEW it was going to hurt.  I mean, come on.  It’s not like there is any natural lubrication back there.  And how did we begin?  I felt like I needed a beginner’s manual.  Fortunately, there are numerous people on the internet that want to educate the world on how to have enjoyable anal sex.  So I Googled the shit (no pun intended) out of the subject and made a mental plan.

First we started with the dirty talk.  You know; where we TALKED about me taking it in the ass.  Not gonna lie.  It was hot.  Still is hot, actually.  Dirty talk is fabulous.  Post for another day, I think.  The talking went on for months.  Because let’s be honest.  I was scared shitless (again, no pun intended).

Then the husband took off on an extended business trip.  And let’s just say I was bored.  And horny.  A bored and horny me is apparently quite adventurous.  Out came the anal lube (that we had bought but not used yet) and the vibrator that I (we) never used.  I took my time and holy fuck.  It was amazing.  Not only was it amazing, it was fun to tell the partner in crime what I had been up to 😉

Finally the business trip was over.  We tried a couple times with the vibrator and both found that double penetration is wonderful indeed.  But our vibrator is smaller than the real deal and it took a few more months before I decided I was ready for the next and ultimate step.

And then I decided that I was ready.  We made a trip to our local sex shop and bought some toys to ease our way into the final phase.

This one for me: 

This one for him:

I should really see if the Partner in Crime will write his review on this not so recommended product…

And this for us:

These calmed my overly OCD tendencies….

On the big night, we used the Tushy Teasers.  They were meh for me (we might discuss later how they were for him).  We skipped the plugs and moved to the vibrator and then…holy shit that hurt!  Yeah, we did it.  We took our time.  And I was fine until the last couple inches.  Then it just hurt like hell.  And I was getting tired and wanted to be done.  Poor partner in crime was more than willing to keep going slow and was very encouraging.  He is awesome like that.  But it hurt and I am a big baby so I made him stop.  Well I did let him come first – I am such a giver, right?

All in all it wasn’t a horrible experience.  But it wasn’t a good experience either.  And I definitely learned a few things.

1) I enjoyed it (until the end).

2) I think that I want to try it again.

3) I need to be less ambitious and work my way up a little more slowly.

4) When we do it again I will be sure to use an enema before hand.  Yes, it was recommended to me and I decided to ignore that advice.  Never again.

So at this point I still consider myself anally challenged.  Not forever though.  We’ll get there again and I am determined that next time will be a 110% success.

WTF?

A while back we spent the weekend with friends.  They had invited over a couple  very young friends that we hadn’t met yet in the hope that those two young people would hook up.  The night was full of drunken frivolity and ridiculous conversations you only hear from the very young.  You know, because I am so ancient.  At one point in the evening Young Person #1 was sitting on Young Person #2’s lap and let one rip.  What does Young Person #2 say?  “That’s really hot that you feel comfortable enough around me already to do that.”  It was amusing.  Not as amusing as they thought but, hey, to each their own.

I probably would have never thought of that conversation again if www.happyplace.com hadn’t shared this gem:

Yes, there are people out there that get turned on by farts.  Which of course made me wonder if there was a name for such a thing.  And of course there is.  According the www.urbandictionary.com :

Eproctophilia, or Fart fetishism, is the sexual attraction to human flatulence, mainly heterosexual males attracted to female flatulence. Fart fetishism is sometimes seen as a softer form of coprophilia*.

Want to know more?  Read this older blog post on the subject.  A blog post that started with a seemingly forgettable comment like the one I was party to.  The post is well written and fascinating and funny.  Who knew James Joyce was such a dirty bastard?

It’s A Windy Kind of Love

As for me?  I think I will continue to tuck the covers tightly around me and/or my Partner in Crime anytime one of us disgraces our bedroom with noxious gases.

 

Eloise

WTF is Kink?

Image taken from kink.tumblr.com

My Partner in Crime finds it highly arousing (and amusing) that I have started this blog.  And since my Partner in Crime is so enamored with me doing this I asked for ideas.  The very first thing out of his mouth?

“If you are going to explore your sexuality and blog about it, you should explore some kink.”

Looking back on that conversation, what was he trying to say?  Does he think I am kinky?  Does he want me to be kinkier?  Hmmm, a conversation we will no doubt have later.

The important question is this:   How in the hell is this sexually naive thirty-something going to blog about kink?

I never really considered myself kinky.  If I hear of something that sounds like a total turn on and I think my Partner in Crime will be interested, then we go with it.  Are any of those things we’ve done considered kinky?  I have no fucking clue.  Fortunately, I have this trusty (and scary) thing called the internet.  And what did I learn about kink?

Well, http://www.dictionary.com defines kink as:

  • bizarre or unconventional sexual preferences or behavior.
  • a person characterized by such preferences or behavior.

That definition did NOT provide enough information for my very curious mind so I kept searching and found a fascinating article at Make Love Not War.  In their article, Get a Little Freaky: Kink and Fetish, they provide in depth descriptions for both kink and fetish and then explain how they intertwine. The below was taken directly from the article:

“Kink captures a broad range of unconventional sex. Some kinks are easier to get into than others. Kink can mean fetish, role play, and dress up. It can also mean submission, sadism (S&M aka pain inflicted sex), and bestiality. Let just say that there are different levels of kink. You just have to find what suits you.”

Image taken from kink.tumblr.com

 Ok, now we are getting somewhere.  The definition of kink will probably change depending on who you ask but I think I can safely say that kink is going to be anything YOU think is outside the norm of what YOU define as conventional sex.  I know what I consider conventional sex so I now know if things I have done are kinky or not.  And no, I am not telling you more than that!  At least not today.

What I can tell you is that now that I have sort of a baseline as to what kink is or can be,  I have something to work with when I write my next WTF blog post.

Eloise